I love my baby. I love being a mommy. I'm pretty introverted, so yay for staying home! But sometimes I throw in the towel and sneak off to some quiet part of the house and just think of everything I *could* be doing if I wasn't a wife or a mom.
My Auntie-in-Love Juli took me out (without Ella!) to go see a $5 movie. I know that sounds horrible that I was excited to leave my baby for two hours, BUT I WAS. I hadn't had anything to eat all day except for the popcorn we shared, and I was pretty positive I was going to fall asleep in the movie theater because I was FINALLY in the dark without a baby who wanted to be held/nursed/rocked/nursed/cuddled/nursed/etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
SPOILERS: I sat through that whole movie so happy with the music, mesmerized by the cinematography, and dying over how cute the love story was...only to come to the end and what a KILL JOY.
In order to pursue their dreams (she's an actress, he's a jazz pianist), they separate only to meet up again five years later. He proceeds to play a song that tells the story of everything that *could* have been if they stayed together.
But nope. In the end she became an actress and married some ugly dude.
Depressing, am I right?
Besides putting a damper on the evening, this movie also made me think. I'm a dreamer at heart, and there's so many things I want to do or could do. Yet life is often just diapers, never-ending fatigue, and walking around the house in circles shushing a crabby baby. I could be creating something, or (haha) playing the piano, or TAKING A NAP, or just nonchalantly drinking in the sunshine cuddled next to my hubs. Instead, there's a mile high pile of spit up in my hair (yes, my hair!) and dang, I forgot to put out the meat for supper. Frozen pizza it is. And even if I have a fantastic idea, chances are it's impossible because we only have one car and I live over an hour away from civilization (which is funny, considering we live smack dab in a big city.)
As we ran back to the car in the freezing cold, I kept thinking: what would I do without my little cuddle bug? What if I had gone off to college instead of marrying my sweetheart? What if we moved on so he could go be a police officer and I used my scholarship for a piano pedagogy? What if I was sharing a dorm with my best friend in college right now? Or still burning supper at home for mom and driving my bros to swim club?
Frankly, it positively freaked me out, and I rushed home to my husband and (surprisingly) happy baby, and we all snuggled on the couch and practiced our indian "war cries" for an hour (Ella can do it, too!) Ella was tucked in bed between Aidan and I, and we talked as the moonlight streamed through the blinds until we drifted off to dreamland.
I have to pick up the same toys today. I could barely make breakfast because Ella was upset this morning. A poop gone wrong resulted in an early morning bath.
But I don't think I'd have it any other way.
And I can *still* dream. But I'd rather dream with my baby and my husband alongside of me. And thank heavens he isn't ugly and boring. *sheepish grin* ♥
P.S. If you haven't seen La La Land, at least do yourself a favor by listening to the music!