7.5.13

more


I made the gritty decision of my desperate need for God. It was simple, fresh, inspiring - and I left it at that. Suddenly, the flood-lights were turned on, and I realized there was so much more to God. Which was scary in some ways. I also had the nagging conviction that I could seek Him more and serve Him more than I was doing. I needed to do a 180 twist and start earnestly searching and seeking.

That's a great decision. Until I realized that life is more complicated than making a one-time decision to serve God and to give my entire life and love to Him. Oh that's a great first step - but you have to keep walking! And more often than not, my steps shake and I walk like a scared lunatic lurching this way and that.

I can't tell you how often I sit down and collapse and apologize to God over and over because I've got it all backwards. To be sure, the desire is there and the searching is there - but it never ever seems to fall through. The result is falling back to making the decision all over again, realizing that I have a 99% chance of failing. Almost every day I tell God and beg for His grace and his guidance, and generally the next day is the plea all over again.

I've got this perverted idea that I have to be perfect. Or that I will become perfect. And every time I realize that I'm not - and every time I have to crawl back on my hands in knees in shame to the throne of grace...I have to cling to my Savior. If my prayers were written down - it would be the nagging desperate plea of more. I'm certainly not perfect - I don't have all the answers...and my daily plea is more. I need more of Him. I fail too often and I fall too quickly - - - - I need more of Him! And I think throughout my life - whether I stumble less or stumble more - that it will always be my plea and that it will be satisfied when I finally see Him face to face.

11 comments:

  1. This is so thought provoking! The Lord has really been working on my heart about this lately! Thank you for sharing!

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  2. Wow! This is so thought provoking! The Lord has been working on my heart about this a lot! Thanks for sharing!

    P.S. I'm sorry if you're getting multiples of my comments, my phone doesn't wanna work right now... =(

    P.S.S. did you design your own blog?

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  3. @ Hannah -- I'm surprised my gibberish made sense. :)

    (And yes, I did design my own blog...via gimp and HTML.)

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  4. -- forget to add -- thank you for dropping a comment. :) :)

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  5. Oh yes it made sense! It was beautiful! =)

    Do you design for other people?

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  6. @ Hannah - actually, I do design for other people...when they ask. ;) I actually had aspirations for starting my own little business, but that went down the tubes...so I'm content to do graphic design as a hobby. :D

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  7. Hmm... how much would you charge to design a blog? =)

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  8. @ Hannah - Oh, lol, no charge...it's waaaaay too complicated...and I don't really consider my blog designs profit worthy. It's just something I love to do!

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  9. I am looking for someone to design a blog/website that I am starting in July for young ladies... is this something you might consider doing?

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  10. @ Hannah - sure! I would love to design it. :) You can shoot me an email if you want to go through with it: joyfullgirl@charter.net.

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  11. Bethany, I want to thank you for being so open and honest on your blog. I feel the same way you do! It's encouraging to know that there are other girls out there that have the same struggles. Keep up the writing; God is using you!

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