20.10.12

hard stuff

I remember sitting on my bed on a summer day, reading a book about Amy Carmichael. It was a few months after I finally decided that I wanted to look into missions work after high school - so the few books we had on missionaries were eagerly devoured by yours truly. I remember reading about Amy and just being a little frustrated that I wasn't like her. Before she was a "technical" missionary in India, she did all this amazing stuff back at her home and was really involved in her church.

Well. My church isn't very big, and it's quite some ways away. We live out in the country a little bit from town - and I know practically no one who lives in town. So, I sat on my bed in frustrated silence wondering how in the world I could do something now.

And that's when I got this really insane idea (I actually think it was God) about starting a bible study. Instantly after I thought it, I tried to convince myself it was just a rambling thought, because the one thing you'd never get me to do was start a bible study. I argued with God and myself for a good thirty minutes...and then I got up and pretended I forgot everything about that conversation.

I'm fifteen after all. It's not like I have some amazing experience or leadership over girls a year or two younger than me.

So then, my best friend ruined everything by telling me that she felt like God was calling her to start a bible study. The whole miserable conversation hit me in the stomach again. I did admit that I strangely felt the same way -- but I wasn't sure about it. Sarah and I discussed it and felt like it was the right thing to do.

But we didn't do it.

Fast forward a few months and I'm with my sister. She tells me that she's starting a bible study.

Not again God!

She and her friend were planning on starting a bible study and inviting a few of the girls and calling it Living Hope. The only problem was - Bailey and Lindsey would both only be able to do it for a year before Bailey left for college and Lindsey off to an internship. Guess who was left to "take over"?

I was completely humbled and excited and crying all at the same time. The one thing I didn't want to do was the one thing God told me to do. And it's the one thing I ran away from. Even now, I smile as I look back and see God's patience with my weakness. Since I was too chicken to start one myself, two older girls paved the path. We all planned and thought out the schedules, age limits (which we ended up throwing out the door), lesson ideas and flyers. And that's how we ended up a basement surrounded by twelve girls. Even with my nonexistent guitar skills, we all managed to sing, share stories, pray, and some girls were even close to tears.

I told myself I was never more happier that God put my out of my comfort zone that first night - it was so worth it. 

Months later, Living Hope is something normal for me. After the panic of my first ever "lesson" I gave - I found that I really did enjoy it, and that it wasn't as hard as I had imagined. Sure, there were times when a Tuesday felt a little dead and there was a lot of awkward silences...but all the girls assured us that every other Tuesday was the highlight of their week. We girls couldn't be more excited (we were squealing from the amazingness of God after the first night of Living Hope.)

I'm writing this because it reminds me that God is aware that we're just dust. I think of this when I feel the unwanted urge to go over to a girl sitting by herself and start talking to her (I am not a talker.) I remember this when I'm struggling to write a letter to someone going through a tough time. I remember this when I ask God to pick someone more qualified and stronger than me -- because Satan tells me that God can't use an introverted stutterer or someone with bad handwriting.

However true that lie seems, it so wrong. Because even if I am introverted, God still uses me. And He still gets the victory and the glory - even when I think I messed up.

5 comments:

  1. God can use anyone. We just have to be willing to give ourselves up to Him - which is so much easier said than done.

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  2. What a beautiful testimony to the way He ... just ... IS GOD. He gets around us, works in us, no matter what. It's beyond comprehension.

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  3. How wonderful to hear your story on this! This shows me that God can truly use anyone...if we obey His voice!!!

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  4. It's a beautiful thing when you can look back on the past and see how all the peices slowly came together. The puzzle is still be put together, isn't it?

    This was so inspiring and encouraging!It proves that amazing things can happen when you let God use you.Thanks, Bethany!

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  5. :) :) :) :) Smiling bigly right now. So happy God is using you!

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