20.8.12

try to get out = 100% fail, guaranteed

I actually decided not to pray that night.

It felt odd climbing into my covers before praying and just being able to hit the pillow and try to sleep. It took awhile. Was I wrong not to pray? I convinced myself I wasn't - since I wasn't in any position to pray. I felt like a Christian pancake that had been left on the griddle too long - and as far as I was concerned, I was trash worthy.

Have you ever felt completely and utterly dead? This past month was a hibernation - and I felt like I was a Christian grasping and straws and trying to just breathe and get out of bed in the morning.

I felt super guilty and really unspiritual. Nothing that used to interest me, interested me.

But good for me - I figured out my problem: love. I had an extremely small amount of love for others and a tiny reserved amount of love for God.

So - Bethany - just start loving again!

Which didn't quite work out like I thought it would. And so, that was why I didn't pray that night. I was just mentally exhausted and hated myself for being such a complete Christian dork and being too weak to love.

And then, on a Sunday night -- I was encouraged and thus I had to idea to study through the fruit of the Spirit a focus on one aspect for a week.

Well, great -- this will work!

Until I flipped to Galatians 5 and realized...the first fruit was love.

Really, God?

I think it's more than a coincidence how God gives you just what you need to learn even when you try to get out of it.

So - guess what I'm learning this week?


6 comments:

  1. Love.... I how you said that.

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  2. When I feel this way, which happens more often that not (Were all learning and growing) I focus on His love for me, and not my love for him. Because when we get full of his love for us, how much He loves me and glean from the scriptures all the great love he has for me, I can give that love away. Its easy to feel condemned by our selves but our wonderful Father doesn't condemn us when we are out of synch with his plan. He gently leads us back to his love. We love Him because He first loved us. I hope you feel more like yourself soon, I understand the cycle of feeling unworthy because of choices I have made, Why would God listen to me ? when I did things i knew were wrong, then I keep making bad decisions because I feel so "trash worthy" and the cycle goes on and on. But when I remember that God sees me through the finished work of our savior he sees me as clean as Jesus. Hope this helped.
    Blessings ~ Rachel Hope

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  3. @ Rachel -- it was more than helpful -- thank you so much!

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  4. Rachel, I loved your comment! So true.

    I bump into love everywhere. Everything starts with love. Everything circles back to love. God is love. The answer to my questions is usually love.

    I guess that's why the hymnist described it as vast, unmeasured, boundless, free. It just never ends.

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  5. I don't have anything specific to say to encourage you in this, but just let me say that I am offering you encouraging sentiments. And here's a big bag of love to hand out!

    Blessings,
    Allison





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  6. Hi!
    We just found your GREAT blog! This blog is so neat! There is nothng like sisters!
    God Bless!
    ~The Keller Girls~

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