1.9.12

ouch | the truth about myself


This is a picture of me. At a really weird angle. To be honest, my hair is not that blonde as it looks in the photo. It's actually really mouse colored. Anyway.

I've sent out about five emails today. They were really...weird emails. I've never really wrote anything like them. They were emails of accountability, and emails of the dead, hard, truth. And I guess I'm mad enough to post it on the internet - but it doesn't matter, since I want everyone to hear anyway. Because I've decided I don't care what other people think and I don't want to care what other people think.

I know I sound harsh - but let me explain.

I let one to be someone I'm not. Until the very hours of the night, when I climbed into bed and wearily sit alone with myself, during the day I am completely different. But when I pray and when I talk to myself - I am myself. And myself is not really pretty.

I'm not really who you think I am.

Most of these posts are erased or modified so you won't think I'm some sort of Christian lunatic who thinks morbid thoughts or gets mad quite often. I don't tell you about the nights where I think I'm a heathen or some sort of unbeliever. I make resolved under control posts. I even make "fun posts" (which are sometimes due to my lapses of insanity).

Let me give you the true, honest picture.

I'm not so spiritual as you would think from reading this blog. To be really honest, my relationship with God was practically nonexistent and strained this year. I knew what was holding me back - but I pretended it didn't exist, so I became a good girl.

Around you girls, I'm perfect. I have a few faults -- but they're all resolved. I'm calm and collected. I think about God. That is my good girl mask.

It fades when I'm by myself. I rip it off and sob because I know it's often the complete opposite of who I am.

I hold grudges. I have a problem with judging. I have a problem with not loving people because I don't want to or feel like it. I'm very selfish. Sometimes I wish that God didn't exist so I wouldn't have to go through life thinking too hard (which is my own fault, because I shouldn't have to think hard to get my "relationship" with God going. Actually, He does the work. But try telling that to myself). I'm not so perfect as I hold myself up to be. I'm actually, quite often, really insecure.

Ouch. I don't like admitting that. Not even when I know it's true. But lying to you won't help. Pretending won't help - because you can't live a real life pretending a fake life.

I know these problems need to be faced and I have given them to God.

But I just want to let you know, that I am a sinner saved by grace. That I do have failures. That I'm not super spiritual. And I never will be.

If there is anything good in me - rest assured that it is all God. And nothing I have done or ever will do. I'm not a better person than you. I'm not extraordinary.

I'm going to stop hiding from you and to stop lying. I will try to be perfectly honest, even when it comes to the nasty, dark truth of my failures and struggles.

I can't hide them from God.

And I shouldn't hide them from you.

8 comments:

  1. Your honesty in this post is amazing. Most bloggers would not have the guts to post that.
    Great job on being admitting being real! I will still read & follow your blog, no worries!
    xoxo.
    Arianna

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bethany, God created you just like he wanted. We're ALL dirty, rotten, cruddy sinners, and we're only saved by the miraculous and awesome grace of God! Nobody's perfect. I find myself beating up on myself a lot too, but just remember, God is not a stiff, grouchy old man sitting in Heaven comdemning us for every bad move we make. He is a loving friend that wants to talk with us, and wants to teach us. I personally think that when we're down here curled up in a ball sobbing our eyes out because we are such despicable people, He's going "But Sweetie, I LOVE you!I've forgiven you! Tell me about what's going on. I want to comfort you!" Just my thoughts... -Hannah-

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  3. @ Hannah - I wish I had heard this this month. :) It was realization of this that sparked this post. Because I realized that acting out of guilt and trying to prove myself to God (who I saw as distant and ashamed) wasn't worth it. Maybe others were fooled, but I knew God wasn't. It was letting go of my fake self and realizing that I'm saved by grace and still have problems - that's what made me stop running and that's what made me turn around. After writing this post last night, I felt so open and free. I no longer had to hide. I also felt a little rash and I tried to forget about everybody reading this post. So I sat and prayed and prayed and rested in the trust that no matter if others were turned off by my honesty - I knew that God's knowledge was enough. That His grace was enough to keep going.

    Thanks a bunch!

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  4. Bethany~

    I just wanted to say how much I love your blog. All your posts are written with a honesty that I wish I was brave enough to have. Your blog is different, in an amazing way, and I enjoy each and every post you write!

    In Christ!
    Rachel

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  5. His grace, Bethany. There is nothing but His grace.

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  6. Amen sister!

    I struggle against a lazy streak- a time wasting, useless self.

    I struggle against submitting to my parent's authority.

    I struggle with reading my Bible everyday.

    I struggle with keeping my mind 'on track' when I'm praying.


    It is hard to be open and honest, to show people the real self that God alone sees all the time. It's easy to put up our 'good Christian girl' front, and go about our business, but God's like "Hey. I know who you really are, and I'm still here. I know your deepest, darkest sin-stains, ones no one on planet earth knows about, and yet I still love you." We need to be open and honest with other believers. We need to ask the Lord to show us our areas of weakness, (which seem endless!) and remember that WE CANNOT DO IT. We CANNOT be patient. We CANNOT submit fully to His Will. We CANNOT keep from sinning. But God CAN. And He gives us His strength, when we have none (which is all the time!) We are to trust Him, rely on Him and take it one day at a time. I understand where you're coming from, I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes, I know the words to say, but do I actually do what I say I believe? So often the answer is no. I can encourage others, but do I take my own advice? How can God use a sinner like me to show His glory? These are things I cannot begin to grasp, but this I know:

    God is good.

    And I love Him.

    Sanctification is a slow, messy, heart wrenching process. But the Refiner is using us even in our ugliness. Because He is perfectly, infinitely good.

    Keep sharing, sister!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Amen sister!

    I struggle against a lazy streak- a time wasting, useless self.

    I struggle against submitting to my parent's authority.

    I struggle with reading my Bible everyday.

    I struggle with keeping my mind 'on track' when I'm praying.


    It is hard to be open and honest, to show people the real self that God alone sees all the time. It's easy to put up our 'good Christian girl' front, and go about our business, but God's like "Hey. I know who you really are, and I'm still here. I know your deepest, darkest sin-stains, ones no one on planet earth knows about, and yet I still love you." We need to be open and honest with other believers. We need to ask the Lord to show us our areas of weakness, (which seem endless!) and remember that WE CANNOT DO IT. We CANNOT be patient. We CANNOT submit fully to His Will. We CANNOT keep from sinning. But God CAN. And He gives us His strength, when we have none (which is all the time!) We are to trust Him, rely on Him and take it one day at a time. I understand where you're coming from, I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes, I know the words to say, but do I actually do what I say I believe? So often the answer is no. I can encourage others, but do I take my own advice? How can God use a sinner like me to show His glory? These are things I cannot begin to grasp, but this I know:

    God is good.

    And I love Him.

    Sanctification is a slow, messy, heart wrenching process. But the Refiner is using us even in our ugliness. Because He is perfectly, infinitely good.

    Keep sharing, sister!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think all Christians feel like this.

    All of them.

    Have you read the Martin Luther biography for school yet (if you're even required to)? He -- brave, bold, world-changing Martin Luther -- often felt like he was the worst Christian on earth. His prayers were a struggle to overcome that guilt and unworthiness.

    God used him, anyway -- just like He's using you.

    ReplyDelete

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