5.8.12

jumbled soup | untitled thoughts

I want to be something great. To me, I had one chance - one opportunity and one choice for the person I'd be the rest of my life. I wanted to be special and to do the things that nobody else had. I liked the idea of being the talented girl who had it all down and was admired as the "remarkable".

It was depressingly tiring when all my work on remarkableness failed - and I once again was stuck with the stupid self that nobody wanted. I would spend countless hours comparing or tearing myself down, or trying to ignore myself altogether (which, by the way, is rather impossible).

Years later and today, I still sometimes can't stand myself. I honestly lecture myself occasionally in front of the bathroom mirror (seriously). Although I've learned to somewhat manage and tolerate arguing with myself - I've also learned that life doesn't revolve around me.

My dearest online friend Kendra (of whom I'm encouraged by very much!) writes short posts every once a while. She recently penned about her identity in Christ. After a frustrating week with myself and after I reviewed my dreams and options - this was a refreshing slap in the face. Because I realized that my identity isn't in myself (whether I'm awkward or amazing...)

Christ in me. It is easy for me to rattle off, "naturally clumsy, naturally stupid, naturally awkward, naturally unloving, naturally..." but whether or not those things are true doesn't matter. I'm still 100% human and 100% living in the flesh. I most certainly still sin. But I'm also 100% daughter of the King.To go out and stake my own claims and my own famous actions is rather ridiculous and wishful thinking.

I still have dreams and hopes and plans for the future - but I prepare myself to let them go, to grasp God's eyes and God's thoughts and God's will for my life. Maybe I will be on the platform in life, or maybe I won't - but wherever I am - the glory will all to Him.

I'm still Bethany, I'm still sinful and I still mess up. But one thing I do:

...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead...

{ Philippians 3:13 }

1 comment:

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