31.7.12

untitled


I described it as out of the loop. And even, unmotivated. I couldn't see her face, which made it easier, only her back, and the back of the saddle, which I held on for dear life.

We roamed the country fields aimlessly, riding double-back and solving our problems - or at least blurting them out with relief.

My friend and I talked in the dusk, and it was a relief just to get it off my chest.

I hate, hate, hate admitting that I'm wrong. Or I'm doing something wrong. Or everything I'm doing is wrong. I don't like being in the dark, in uncertainty and in dismal existence.

I don't get it! I told her, there's something I can't quite put my thumb on, something that's missing. I was frustrated. Spiritual life / relationship with God -- whatever you call it -- was completely down the tubes. Despite leading a bible study a few days before - I felt like bread dough that had been rolled out too long.

I look at the phrase: spiritual life.

It makes me wonder. My life which I now live (everyday, normal stuff) -- shouldn't that be my spiritual life?

Further: how does everyday, normal life become it. How does my spiritual life merge into my life.

I guess I like things going fast and in order. I like my life organized. Being patient and realizing that "the perfect  Christian life" I envision is not going to happen any time soon - it hurts. It stings to occasionally look into the mirror after I've done something so idiotic, and just let all my stupidity seep in.

But it keeps me running. It keeps me running back to God and starting new. It's like learning how to restart 100 times a day.

And I want to give up. I want to be perfect.

But I just gotta hang on. Just to wait in His time.

4 comments:

  1. This...is...my...life.

    So, yeah, it's not fun or pretty, but you're not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know how you feel! Keep running!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ah... the season of waiting and questions. I'm with you, sister.
    You may of heard of it, but I really recommend 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voscamp. It really helped me find God in the everyday, ordinary moments of life. It filled my empty soul with a new strength.

    By the way, I love your blog! I just stumbled upon it through a comment you left on Hannah Nicole's blog. If you're interested, stop by and say hello on my blog. (www.projectpaperie.blogspot.com)

    I'll be praying for you. You're not alone in this journey. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Amen. Patients is so hard. Hang in there, Bethany, and we'll all hang in there with you, too, cause this describes a whole bunch of us.

    ReplyDelete

Considering commenting? Don't be shy - I'd love to hear from you!