23.6.12

hard to breathe

It's pitch black outside. I lean against the wall and catch a glimpse of the moonlight through the door. It's positively eerie, but I'm too tired to notice and too upset to care. The darkness is like a huge blanket, and strangely comforting and at the same time - frightening. The darkness I see physically reminds me of the darkness I'm in. The darkness that won't go away no matter how hard I try to push it out. 
xxxxxx

We all have those days. Or at least, I do. Everything goes wrong because I wasn't using my brain, and when everything goes wrong, my body goes into panic mode and eventually crashes and I sleep it off. It's so easy to just sleep it off, or to push the darkness and the problem away only to have it return and choke even harder.

What on earth is a girl to do when life seems upside down and just walking around without becoming a victim of dramatic situations is entirely impossible? I'm not a drama queen, except if there's drama in life.

It's hard to breathe when you mess things up. Namely, just praying is a struggle and just unguiltily thinking about God is impossible. My problem wasn't "God's love" it was my love. To me, it was great that God loved me (I believed that) but it just couldn't penetrate my thick skull. I didn't love. I was definitely not the biggest fan at the moment.

This drove me up the wall and I'd argue with myself and scream at myself for being so cold and stupid and ignorant. Whatever peace that was mentioned in the bible certainly wasn't in my life.

I was convinced I screwed up (I was correct) but I had this illogical thought that my depth of love kept my relationship with God together. It would fail once I failed to prove my love for God.

The question I should've been asking myself was not why don't you love God more? but when did your love began your life saver?

If I remember correctly, it was God's love and thoughtfulness that was my big breakthrough sin. I don't even think I was in the picture when that happened.

A constant prayer of mine is just to sit at the feet of God. Broken, but content, and silent with peace. It's not an impossible dream, it's a reality. Although I admit it drains my strength and it means giving up things I'd rather be doing - it's oh-so-worth it. It's nothing more than what I want.

6 comments:

  1. I know how you feel. This is a great post.

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  2. @ PrettyKitty - It's so comforting that others have been through the same thing. The lie that you're wandering around with a problem no one else has experienced is very daunting!

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  3. I've been feeling like this all week, Bethany. It's so crazy how we've been going through the same things. I need to email you, just been supa busy. But anyways, I agree with prettykitty, this was a great post.

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  4. Wow, I would copy the sentences that particularly jumped out at me, except I would pretty much have to copy the whole post.

    You just described my life. Thank you. I needed this.

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  5. this is beautiful, Bethany.

    "It's pitch black outside. I lean against the wall and catch a glimpse of the moonlight through the door. It's positively eerie, but I'm too tired to notice and too upset to care. The darkness is like a huge blanket, and strangely comforting and at the same time - frightening. The darkness I see physically reminds me of the darkness I'm in. The darkness that won't go away no matter how hard I try to push it out."

    THAT took my breath away. bravo.

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  6. @ Kendra - Never feel the need to email me. I will be patient, even if it takes a year. :)

    @ Melody - phew! I think you're about the billionth person whom I can relate to!

    @ Alexxus - (did Bailey mention we both love talking about you? We do. You're just absolutely amazing. And awesome.)

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