30.5.12

i really don't have any idea what to call this


I don't think I'll ever know why God chose me. I don't cease to wonder, and keep going back to the day when He grabbed my heart. Why? Why on earth did He choose me? To be frank, I'm not the ideal 15 year old. I lack confidence, sometimes I can be awkward and annoying, and I do countless stupid things. Was there a mistake?

And then, I sit minding my own business, and a random someone begins to talk about me. They seem to be talking about a different girl. The one who shared all her weaknesses. Is that a bad thing? I always get nervous when I'm brought up as the subject. The girl they're describing certainly isn't amazing (my bubble burst if I had any idea that I might be the teensy bit awesome). Actually, she sounds just as weak as I know her to be. But in some insane way, I encouraged them. Me. That awkwardly weird person? How is that possible?

I'm not patting myself on the back. Instead, it just makes me turn to God. Because despite my many failures and the dumb things I do that I post about (to you endearing readers), God can use my weaknesses for a greater purpose. In fact, if it weren't for the endless list of things I consider wrong with myself, I'd never be able to communicate with others who are hurting. It happens all the time: I'm sitting talking to someone and they blurt out something they're going through, and I can nod and understand exactly how they're feeling. Because I'm in the same boat. Or was. Or will be, again.

I'd have it no other way. I love the thrill of seeing my weakness enveloped in the power of God. I love seeing His strength come into play, just when I think I can't go on. Whether it's leading a ten minute prayer group (I nearly fried from nervousness) or simply sharing God to someone. Any confidence I have is not from myself. Any strength I have is not manufactured by yours truly. Any love was not inspired by my feelings. It is all God. 

In raw truth I have no confidence. I have no strength. And I certainly have no love (if I had it my way, I'd gladly be a recluse in the safety of my yellow quilt). I'm convinced God does not choose the strong. He does not choose the confident or the gentle. He doesn't choose the "ideal" Christian. He chooses the rebellious, the weirdos, the nervous wrecks, the ones everyone avoids to save themselves from awkward silences. 

It's a constant theme in the NT. The weak made strong. The poor made to sit with the princes. Our focus needs to turn off at our weakness, and it needs to turn on at the strength of God. Just thinking about how He could use me is exciting! In fact, I've been having insomnia from sitting at bed pondering that very thing. When someone exposes their weakness and welcomes God to be their power source, amazing things happen. Ordinary girls turn into extraordinary people, by the grace of God. 

I witnessed this first hand last night. We had our very first meeting of Living Hope, a bible study for girls. My three friends and I were bursting from excitement (and nervousness!!) as twelve girls were piled in the living room. There were tears, and normally silent girls confessing their fears and failures. My younger sister, who was normally  not very talkative about God, was suddenly a chatterbox. We stayed up until 1:13 talking about God and things we struggled with or didn't understand. In one moment, my shy sister was suddenly a girl on fire for serving God. I sat there in the dark, laughing from amazement. It was so God. It was so creatively God. 

It's an oxymoron: the weak are strong. But it's a constant reality that I keep learning over and over again. It's so true, it's so powerful, and it's so life changing. 

4 comments:

  1. Wow...Living Hope sounds like it went amazingly! - I hope we can make it next time. (we had people over)

    Amazing! Keep those fires burning!

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  2. I would have to say I was on fire to serving god the next day I love it so much I can't wait til the next time

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  3. Hannah Bergmann1 June 2012 at 15:22

    Living Hope was awesome! I learned so much, even though it was just the first Bible Study. You were so encouraging, as were the others. I cannot wait until the next Bible study!

    We had a great talk, didn't we, Bethany? And I actually got up early though we stayed up late!! I don't feel that nervous about sharing things about God and my struggles now, because after the two girls prayed so sincerely and simply and shared all their struggles, I felt that it doesn't matter what other people think as long as you're being sincere.

    I tried praying out loud after you left that Tuesday night and it helped my mind from wandering and I really felt like God was there listening to me, since I wasn't just thinking it in my head. I also wrote a prayer in my journal and that keeps my mind from wandering, too, and now some time from now, I can look back and remember what I was strugging with, and how God answered my prayers.

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  4. Our God is so awesome. I wish I could go to your prayer group. Just saying.

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