4.5.12

feeling alone


I hate the days when I walk down the silent halls of my house. Hand resting on the stair rail, I quietly and forcefully slam my head against the wall. Before I can stop it, the emotions flood in. I realize that I'm the only person who can do whatever my life purpose is, and I'll never find someone who can sympathize completely with my certain call, areas of tenderness, and emotional issues. 

There are times when my hair is literally falling out and my normally cool attitude bursts and erupts into an untamed monster. I run to the woods or to the capacity of my big, fluffy yellow quilt and I bawl until my eyes practically fall out, and I thoroughly lecture myself on being a drama queen.

I am alone, to a degree. I never did (or will) find someone on earth that I can completely relate to and share the same passions, hopes and frustrations. Once I figured that out (I hope y'all are smarter than I am) I went into a state of utter insanity and wondered how I was going to live if I only had myself to relate to. I literally sat in front of the mirror and told myself to behave. 

Wrapped in my own emotions, I ignored God and focused on the fact that I would be alone and forgotten for the rest of my life. It was all up to me now.

Looking back at those moments of desperation, I laugh at my stubborn arrogance to assume that the very One who planned my purposes for His glory didn't leave it in my hands. It's practically written in the books, I just need to follow while He paves the path. It's rather illogical to even think the thought that God (who already wrote the beginning and end of my life) cannot sympathize or advise me on the various struggles in my life.  It is also very illogical for me to assume that I am the only person with this problem (this is Satan's lie to get you!) I had numerous talks with others, and on more than one ocassion, more than three girls went through the same thing I did! Before I even blurt out why I feel so alone or frustrated, they practically cry and nod their heads with an assertive, "I know how you feel!"

I am not alone and I will not be alone. My frightening (and 99.999% of the time, trivial) experiences I face or see careening towards me may envelope my entire mind, but God always has a hold of it - and even the worst situations and the loneliest struggles can't keep Him from being there. Always. 

7 comments:

  1. I've never posted here yet...but I've been reading your blog for the last few weeks..very delightful! Thank you for this post....I can relate a lot :).

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  2. I'm so glad that my life is not in my own hands. My life would have no purpose.

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  3. I go through those moments too. You really summarize the whole thing so well. I just need to remind myself that my life isn't mine, it's God's.

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  4. Weird. I had a random meltdown like this yesterday. Whenever I do, I usually end up talking to God about what it was like when He walked the earth....since we have a great high priest who is able to sympathize with ALL our weaknesses.

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  5. Thank you so much, Bethany. I sometimes get that feeling like, "Honestly, there isn't a single person in the world who can understand me completely. Or know exactly what to do when I'm sobbing inexplicably. Or..."

    Hello - what about God? Totally a lightbulb moment reading this post. Thank you again. :)

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  6. Very inspiring. [:

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  7. I have definately faced that struggle. I've come to the conclusion, like you did, that the one who made me definately knows how I work. What's more, He wants to help me.

    Strange, but every teen (ish) girl seems to have trouble with being lonely. I'm thankful that Believers have somebody who helps them through these times.

    *hug*

    Anna

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