3.4.12

Look backwards

"On Your wonderful works I will meditate." I look backwards and see Your mighty hand at work. I blush to think of every rotten thought I uttered in despair. Lately, I have been bucking the bit, drowning in "my life", and succeeding in nothing. 

Father, I am completely broken and weak. Why is it hard to love the One who loves the most? It is so easy to write down a beautiful prayer of repentance, but to live it is another matter. I'm pulled on every side to succumb to each. I choose You, lord, because You chose me. Yet how do my constant judgments I cast, moments of prideful self-esteem, my reluctance to love and serve fit in? You use the weak, yes, but do You use the rebellious, the confused, and the ignorant? I don't know how to love You or live for You, and I can't seem to find that 'magic formula' tot he key of being obsessed. I'm stuck.

And I come to You upset, exhausted, wounded and untrustworthy. I regret that I lose confidence so fast, that I am reluctant to trust, and that I cannot open my mouth in praises just now. Don't let me be silent, don't let me despair. Pick me up, dear Jesus, and lead me through this pathway I can't figure out. - written in my journal

I like to have everything under control. I don't like being behind or getting overwhelmed or going back to the basics and starting over. I apply this hypothesis about myself to science, or math tests, or cleaning up unmentionable everyday messes.

And then it comes to God. And God says, "Now here's the plan...." and I butt in and happily grab my life and point out, "Just a moment, You're forgetting this..."

My life, my right - right?

And in those moments of surrender, everything seems to go haywire. You seem to talk to the wall and cry, "I surrender" and all you get is an echo.

Where's God when you need Him most? You know that feeling?

It overwhelmed me a few weeks ago. My dreams of finally "figuring out" this whole conundrum of being an absolute-all-out daughter for God went down the tubes. I sat on my bed and (literally) cried and begged for assurance.

My mind wandered to a prayer request I lifted up to God. It was simply this: show me how You can use me.

The next day (ironically) I was invited to volunteer at an Assurance Women's Center. I didn't witness, or try to communicate to the women there, I simply went downstairs with my best friend and sorted clothing for the "store".

Today, I sat writing in my journal, not realizing that I was writing with my journal on my bible. I realized it was opened to the place I had left off in John. And I can't explain how those few chapters from John gave me so much encouragement (enough to get through my science test with no tears!) to just give the day to God and give every small monotonous task to the Lord.

Take time to look back at what God has done, and don't try to look forward. David was constantly mentioning how he was meditating on what God had done in his life.

The future is not for our knowledge until it is past. Jesus put it a little more bluntly, "And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?"

Certainly, God, all this was not what I had in mind. But certainly, this is what You had planned. Just let me open my hands to the small tasks, and let me not turn away any blessing that comes in disguise. 

6 comments:

  1. I think this Christian walk is all about learning to let go of fake spirituality and surrendering. Once that happens, God can work. He works so quickly.

    Yesterday I rejoiced in my pain and confusion...today I rejoice because I so clearly see His hand in my life. We're told again and again to wait patiently for the Lord, and He will answer us.

    And He does.

    Just walk moment by moment, Bethany. You can't change yesterday or tomorrow, but you can love Him today, right now, here in this moment. That's all He asks of us.

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  2. "Take time to look back at what God has done, and don't try to look forward."

    Amen.

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  3. We seem to be going through the same things in our spiritual walk, and seriously, you don't know how much it helps to read your posts (and your sister's).

    I agree with everything you said here.

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  4. @ Kendra - same thing with your posts...I'm like, that sounds familiar...

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  5. Wow. This is something I've been dealing with lately, too. I find it funny, sometimes, how God always plans exactly when to show things to us. Very good post.

    Sometimes it can be hard to look beyond the now, to see the plan, to not try and wrest control from God. It's so easy for human beings to do that. And it takes an effort to just sit back and tell God you're going to let him work, let him have it. To live in the moment.

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  6. All that comes to my mind right now is a quote that I once heard. It goes like this...
    "The present is what goes by while we are pondering the past and worrying about the future."
    I've struggled the same way that you have and it's funny that whenever I remember that my life really isn't mine in the first place, and that it's God' s, I really find peace.

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