8.10.11

si yo fuera una mariposa

I'm the kind of person who gives themselves a hard time. I'll do something and smack my head, that was dumb Bethany.

I'm also the kind of person who can slam someone with sarcasm. Unless my sister is the victim. We normally tie.

I'm also the kind of person who likes to laugh. I admit, it makes me concentrate to be serious or helpful. I like making people laugh, and I do not enjoy serious conversations if I have to say something. And I am not good at comforting people, period. All I can do is cry and give hugs - - which, in my opinion, is not very helpful unless they're cold.

Before I go off someplace, or even sometimes before I wake up, I say to myself,

Okay Bethany! Remember, be gracious and sweet. Foolishness has no purpose in life.

I salute and jump out of bed, breathing Ecc. 10:1 and determined to be as encouraging and cheerful as I could.

Surprise, surprise - - no can do.

In despair, I often wished I could be in some horrible accident or kidnapped for twenty years so I could come back as a quiet Christian girl. You know, completely humble and nice... (Okay, maybe not those circumstances)

My problem? I was trying to be somebody I wasn't. I began to slowly realize that my personality was something I was born with, and unless I cut out my tongue, nothing was going to change.

But I was still sure my character wasn't exactly godly.

I don't remember how it came about but I was talking with someone and bemoaning how unjoyful and foolish I was. They laughed. "Bethany, you're always joyful."

Huh? I looked up, kinda hopeful, "I am?" I asked - - thunderstruck. I know she didn't mean always. Because no one can be always joyful, especially me - - my sister will fill you in on my grumpy days.

I never once considered myself to be joyful. I never considered my personality to be anything but trash-worthy. Not that it was bad, it was just shallow and worthless.

My mother got a big book full of Spanish children songs. One of them was Si Yo fuera una Mariposa (If I were a Butterfly). It ended, "But I just thank the Lord, for making me: me."

2 comments:

  1. It's easy to get discouraged about what we "aren't" or what we want to be. Remeber, God made you special, "perfect in His eyes"!

    I love you most!

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  2. Does that mean I get to sing the song now???

    I love your personality. I have no idea where this post came from. And it's hard to be grumpy around here because we usually end up teasing about grumpiness.

    And the best way to comfort someone is to wrap your arms around them and hold on tight. You taught me that.

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